Tornadoes May 25, 2011

On the Missouri side, my mom rarely acknowledged storms. On the Kansas side–in a trailer park, no less–we sometimes turned up the TV in order to drown out the noise of sirens. Part of my mother’s family has lived in Missouri since the 1830′s and part of my father’s has lived in Kansas since at [...]

Six Months Later January 15, 2011

Every night for the past five months, I’ve showered, brushed my teeth and tucked myself in next to a cherub.  She’s usually been asleep for a couple hours at this point, snuggled in her swing or in her father’s arms, cheeks rosy from warm torpor, little mouth still sucking away at a breast that’s no longer [...]

No Nap Days November 29, 2010

Some days are good, some days are bad, and some days are from hell.  The hell days are the days when a confluence of different factors–work schedule, errands, a toddler outgrowing his nap–make it so that I miss my own nap in the afternoons.  This is bad. You might know that I’m not currently on [...]

We need a break November 15, 2010

Remember when we used to spend those long hours gazing into each other’s eyes? Remember all those times we stayed up late, sometimes chattering, sometimes just staring up at the ceiling fan, thinking? We were each other’s everything. But now… I don’t know anymore. It’s like you’ve changed. You don’t like the same books, the [...]

Family Planning and the Narcoleptic October 20, 2010

A couple weeks ago, my husband and I made the leap from thinking we were done having children to knowing we were done having children, thanks to a urologist and my husband’s unflappable temerity.  The means was largely my husband’s decision–many of the other officers he works with have done the same thing, plus the [...]

Dear Noah September 22, 2010

You are two now. You are the wildest, hardest and boyiest thing to ever happen to me.  You are also the best. This year you learned to walk, talk, jump, eat with a fork, climb your dresser, take off your diaper and love a little sister.  That’s a tall order for someone who sleeps with [...]

Breast-feeding in NICUland September 15, 2010

NICUland is staffed by some of the warmest, smartest people I’ve ever met. Those NICU nurses fight constantly against death and sickness, and still manage to find various ways for parents to be involved and vital in their child’s care. But, in any hospital department, policies and realities can make individual experiences difficult. ———————— Teagan [...]

Life in NICUland, Part Two September 7, 2010

It got easier. Leaving her and going to another room on another floor got easier. It helped that I was heavily medicated for pain, that I was exhausted, and that Josh and I at least had each other. We’d go to the NICU and breast-feed and cuddle, then back downstairs where we slept. Rarely did [...]

Life in NICUland, Part 1 September 3, 2010

Imagine you woke up one morning unable to breathe. And you looked over across the room, and there were your lungs, sitting in a plastic box. You’d panic, of course, because how are you supposed to breathe without your lungs? And how are your lungs going to function without your body and blood? Now imagine [...]

Tristan, Teagan and the rest August 29, 2010

I wrote this as an essay for my non-fiction creative writing class last semester, and I thought I’d post here, since it clarifies some of the things obliquely referenced in Teagan’s birth story. —————————————————– I imagine God in the ceiling.  Sometimes on the roof.  I look up when I pray my helpless, hapless prayers and [...]